Crush

Am I the only one that has a little crush on Sharath? I think he is so freaking adorable. And he was so sweet and nice when I went to led classes in Encinitas. Sigh. haha. Ok. Annoying teenage girl shit over.

:(

I need a hug today. Bad. And some falafel.

Singapore

Ahhh I want to go to Singapore so bad!! Even just for a few weeks or a month. I'm hoping to negotiate more vacation time next year... Keeping my fingers crossed for that. I want to go and be able to study with James. I just feel this really deep desire to devote more time to my practice. I feel so torn between my practice and my job. For some reason, it feels like it is hard to get a good balance between the two.

Ideally, I would work part time. 20 - 30 hours a week. Then I could go to practice group everyday and not feel stressed. I go everyday now, but sometimes I feel like I am rushing out to try to get to work at a reasonable time. If possible, I would also take a couple months off every year and go to Singapore or India. It sounds perfect.

Maybe one day I will be able to work something like that out... for now, I will just take life one day at a time :)

The Uncomfortableness of it All

Embrace the uncomfortable parts of life. Awkward social settings, emotions you don't like to express, annoying circumstances, everything. You already know what it feels like to be fearful of all of these things, so why not try welcoming the parts that make you cringe or back away? If something is making you retreat, it is probably something you need to experience for your own personal growth. Why not just stick it out to see what it feels like?

I had this thought while I was taking a bath tonight. I like to lay with most of myself under the water and close my eyes (my nose and mouth remain up). I listen to my heart beating, and I try to slow my heart rate with my breath. It's amazing how loud your own heart beat is under water. Whenever I practice this or some other meditation-like technique, I always have a small moment of panic where I just lose all concentration. I'm not sure what I am fearful of. In the bathtub situation it's not like I am actually going to drown, but for some reason the stillness of myself seems to startle something in me. Tonight I practiced getting through it and just pushing my own limits of comfortability. After my bath I decided to rinse off in a nice cool shower. The water was actually freezing, but instead of turning the temperature up, I decided to just exist in the cold for the experience of it. It was kind of nice. 

Being a Bitter Betty

So I have to admit it: I've been a Bitter Betty for the last couple months. Before yesterday, I hadn't practiced in well over a month. What happened you might ask? LIFE.

On April 19th of this year, I lost a very special person to me. My Aunty Barb passed away suddenly. Coincidentally, I suffered a knee injury in Janusirsana C the very same morning. A bigg'un. That morning I was at practice group like normal. I was doing my practice like I had been for the last year. Almost every single morning I woke up at the ass crack of dawn, grabbed all of my practice and work stuff, headed to the studio, practiced for about an hour and a half, and then headed straight to work where I put in a good 9-10 hour day. This particular day my knee just wasn't feeling what I was trying to put it through and I felt and heard something pop horrendously. My husband was in Encinitas, CA (where I was to join him just a few days later) studying with Sharath and Saraswathi. I was devastated that evening, to say the least. A few days later, I traveled to Flagstaff, AZ to attend my aunt's viewing and funeral. Not only did I have to cope for the first few days after her death without my husband by my side, but I had to witness my entire family completely torn apart by grief. After the funeral, I flew directly to San Diego where I was to study with Sharath and Saraswathi for a week. With a knee that didn't work and a heart that hurt.

I practice primary series. Almost everything in primary series requires the use of my knee. It was terrible. While I was so grateful to be able to study with these amazing teachers, I was bitter and angry that I couldn't do my practice how I was used to. I am a naturally flexible person. From day 1 of my practice, I have been able to access pretty much every pose in primary series. I became very attached to the physical aspect of my asana (I know, I know... my ego). I associated my practice with these poses and the movement of my body.

When we returned from Encinitas, I became angry. Angry at God, the world, my husband, pretty much everything. I felt like I could barely breath. I didn't want to practice. Shit hit the fan in my life. I was grieving, I couldn't do my practice, and other aspects of my personal life began to fall apart. I also associated the pain of my aunt's death with my practice and my injured knee.

Instead of leaning on my practice and using it to get through this tough transition in my life, I just gave up on it. I refused to do it. I didn't like the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to bend my knee without feeling like it was going to dislocate. I began to blame my unhappiness and stress in my life on my practice and on practice group. I was tired of waking up so damn early every day for something I felt like failed me. I was tired of not having a teacher in town to instruct me and guide me. I felt like my practice and the Ashtanga system let me down. I was heartbroken.

A teacher from Singapore was also coming to visit for the 2nd year in a row in June. I wasn't planning on going to see him. What's the point? I can't do my practice and I hurt. I was a complete wreck emotionally and physically. The week before James arrived I went out for tea with a good friend (James' student). She encouraged me to come see him, even feeling as fucked up as I did. I was apprehensious, but decided it couldn't hurt. The day he got into town she texted me to see if I would come the next day. I went. And it was the best decision I could have made.

I went into the room and began my warm up. I did my sun salutations and went through the standing postures. James didn't even glance at me. I thought, "That's ok, there are at least 10 other people here. He has a lot of students and I am just another person (who he has only taught a handful of times. mind you)". When I sat down to begin my seated postures, he came over to me and gave me the biggest and most heartfelt hug I may have ever received. He held me tight and patted my hair. The world stopped. I could feel that he cared and was concerned for me. He said something to the effect of, "I know you have a lot of problems right now so lets start with your knee". He spent a few minutes just massaging it and reminding me that injuries aren't permanent. He went through every seated posture with me and showed me every modification to make my knee work with my practice.

I felt so incredibly blessed and restored by the end of the practice. I did get stopped at Marichiyasana A, and I decided that that was ok. I came to the brink of tears multiple times during my practice. I realized that it isn't about what my body can do for me or what kind of contortionist I can be: it is purely about showing up and being present. James and my friend who encouraged me restored my faith in the practice and the method.

Bad things in life will happen. Suffering is inevitable. I will, one day, lose another person that I am close with. I will also probably suffer another injury at some point (from the practice or just from daily life). Maybe, if I have my practice and continue to cultivate it, it will make these bad things a little bit more bearable. I can't blame the bad things in life on my practice and how it has let me down. A practice doesn't guarantee a pain free life. It just helps you get through the pain a little easier.

It is not any easier to get through each day without my aunt here on this Earth. It wont be for a long time. Sometimes I think I am ok, but then I just lose it. These things will happen. Death is going to happen to those I love and to myself. The best thing I can do for myself is to grow as a person and just learn to be ok. I cannot expect to have a perfect life, because I will be let down.

It has been a true test of my ego to not be able to do the entire primary series this week. It is hard knowing that James will only be here for a few more days, and I will not progress any further than I did last year. But that is ok. It isn't about what series I am practicing or whether or not I can stand up from my drop backs. I just need to be there.

Visiting Teachers

The ashtanga practice group that meets does not have a regular teacher. We are basically all just meeting together and helping each other out with what we can (which isn't a whole lot, but better than nothing!). Lately, it has felt like the group has been in a slump... low attendance, everyone is tired and busy with holidays, etc. Curtis and I were talking in early January about how we really need more teachers to come through or else we are nervous the group will just peter out. Well, to our surprise, Stefanie received an email from a teacher in Portland looking for a place to practice while visiting. What luck! Stefanie emailed them back and asked if Jason would be willing to teach, and he agreed. Jason runs the ashtanga yoga program in Portland Oregon out of another studio (somewhat similar to how our practice group functions). We had great turnout while he was here, and I think we all learned a lot. His big emphasis was back bends. All of us are lacking in back bends. He completely changed how I approach urdva dhanurasana (my sanskrit is horrible, please excuse any misspellings). I have a tendancy of rolling my shoulders in, and he helped me get the feeling of rotating the other way and opening my chest. His has great technique for talking students into the correct alignment with backbends. I'm going to show Curtis what he showed me; maybe it will help some of his students. Having Jason here to teach for a few days was inspirational and refreshing for my practice. I feel a little renewed, and I'm looking forward to spring :)

Speaking of teachers, Manju Jois has been teaching in Encinitas for a few months, but we have been unable to make it down there to see him... Well it is finally happening this weekend! Curtis and I are going to drive down there on Friday morning and stay until Saturday night. Unfortunately, we can only do Saturday's mysore practice due to our work schedules, but it's better than nothing! We are hoping to go see Paramhansa Yogananda's Meditation Center for Self Realization (I think that's what it's called) on Friday afternoon as well. We are so stoked, and I promise I will blog about it when we get back... :) and hopefully my arms aren't broken from adjustments haha

It's been awhile...

Well hello! It's been awhile since I have blogged. To be honest, it has been from lack of enthusiasm not so much out of lack of time... I've also lacked some inspiration... Ok enough of what is "lacking" :)

So what's been going on? Winter blues. I get so down in the dumps and lazy in the winter. Something about the cold and dark makes me want to eat all the time and curl up into a ball (and NOT practice).

Curtis and Stefanie needed to take a step back from the practice group, so we are only meeting M, W, and F right now. On top of that, attendance has been dwindling. I never realized how much I rely on the collective energy to get through my practice. While I have missed seeing other bright, shiny faces there, the days that I have made it to my mat in the almost-empty and silent studio have been some of my best practices for myself. Not that I accomplished any crazy pose, but it was silent and still and there is something nice about that. In fact, I had a great experience in stillness on Sunday. I was bound and determined to do my home practice, but I was exhausted after the workshop on Saturday. I started out my practice with the opening chant, did 3 surya namaskara A's and B's, I took the three lotuses, and I did the closing chant. After my savasana, I had the most quiet and peaceful few moments. They were delectable. I savored each little moment knowing it would pass, and was ok with that. I existed in that moment seeing it for what it was. Or at least that is the best way I can describe it.

Headstand and other things...

I don't mean to brag... but today I finally could hold my headstand for 25 breaths! The last few breaths may have been a little rushed... but I did it! I really struggle with headstand for some reason. By the end of practice I think my shoulders are so tired from all the lift ups (or attempts!) that I am just burned out.

Stefanie and Curtis have been helping me with my drop backs recently as well... They feel better everyday. I'm hoping that I can start dropping back on my own in the next month or two. One of the requirements for starting second series is being able to drop back and come up unassisted... I have a little ways to go :)

My knee is finally feeling much better. I  think it's just been opening up in a major way. I just need to get used to being a little stiff and sore everyday. I think practicing six days a week will just do that to a person. I'm also trying to get more protein and water hoping that helps...

Lastly, I can't express the amount of gratitude I have for the space at Blue Sky every morning. Having a place to go and practice every morning at 6 am makes my day so much easier. I don't have to try to find a place or a time to practice. Thank you Thank you Thank you, Cheryl!!!

Pranayama and Meditation with Hilary

A couple weeks ago our friend Hilary came over to our house to lead us through a pranayama and meditation class. She had just returned from her teacher training in Mount Madonna, CA. It was awesome getting one on one time with someone that could really explain each breathing technique and make sure we were doing it correctly.

First, she reviewed the four cleansing breaths that should be performed before you begin your pranayama practice (I will summarize in a later post). I never realized how much of a workout breathing could be! My abs were pretty tired after just these four. After that, she went over a couple other breaths (which, unfortunately I do not quite remember). I think we did bumble bee and a couple others. Curtis was a little more familiar with them than I was. Pranayama took about 45 minutes by itself. After the pranayama, Hilary led us through a short meditation. She said she normally would spend at least 15 minutes in meditation, but we only made it through about 7 :)  By minute 3 or 4 I was definitely distracted. I kept feeling every ache and pain and uncomfortable position from sitting for so long. Curtis and I are wimps when it comes to sitting still for that long! I think (like with most things in life), it will come with practice. I have been wanting to commit to doing the 4 cleansings breaths and a short meditation or scripture reading every morning before practice, but over the last 2 weeks, I have only accomplished that a few days. I need to just be dilligent and commit to it, or realize I will not have a pranayama practice yet and just be ok with that :) (However, since I found a wrinkle on my forehead, I'm really hoping I just buck up and commit to it! haha).

Tired and other things

I. Am. Tired. My joints and muscles feel like they've shrunk! I have had three full primary practices in the last 36 hours. Surprisingly, but the last practice felt really good and got a great second wind. But this morning I was planning on practicing to finish out the week, but I am not sure now! It's tempting to take a rest day.

Today is Curtis's birthday! Not sure what our plans are yet... Maybe practice, Sambalatte, delicious food, Borders....

PS I actually wrote this blog on July 23rd, but I didn't realize I didn't post it... :)

Letter from Guruji to Yoga Journal November 1995

This is a letter that guruji wrote to Yoga Journal in 1995:

I was disappointed to find that so many novice students have taken Ashtanga yoga and have turned it into a circus for their own fame and profit (Power Yoga, Jan/Feb 1995). The title "Power Yoga" itself degrades the depth, purpose and method of the system that I received from my guru, Sri. T. Krishnamacharya. Power is the property of God. It is not something to be collected for one's ego. Partial yoga methods out of line with their internal purpose can build up the "six enemies" (desire, anger, greed, illusion, infatuation and envy) around the heart. The full ashtanga system practiced with devotion leads to freedom within one's heart. The Yoga Sutra II.28 confirms this "Yogaanganusthanat asuddiksaye jnanadiptih avivekakhyateh", which means "practicing all the aspects of yoga destroys the impurities so that the light of knowledge and discrimination shines". It is unfortunate that students who have not yet matured in their own practice have changed the method and have cut out the essence of an ancient lineage to accommodate their own limitations.

The Ashtanga yoga system should never be confused with "power yoga" or any whimsical creation which goes against the tradition of the many types of yoga shastras (scriptures). It would be a shame to lose the precious jewel of liberation in the mud of ignorant body building.

-K. Pattabhi Jois, Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute, Mysore, South India

Enough said :) No commentary necessary.

Dreams

Last night Curtis and I decided to go to bed nice and early. I think I was asleep by 8:30; it was some of the most restful sleep I have had all week. It was very refreshing. I also had an interesting dream. In my dream I was standing at the counter of an Indian restaurant (not sure which one… it looked casual). I was in the process of paying for a very delicious meal I had just eaten with great company. I remember looking to my left while I was paying and seeing Saraswathi standing there with me. We had just eaten lunch. We hugged while she thanked me for the food, and I kissed her on the forehead. She was wearing a beautiful red and orange sari. It was kind of an odd dream.

When I was recalling my dream later in the day, I was a little embarrassed about it. For one, I have never met Saraswathi, and I guess I feel weird about dreaming about my “guru’s” daughter… like I’m being intrusive or something. Secondly, I felt a little bashful that I dreamed that I was buying her a meal. I guess I would have felt much better and that it would mean much more to someone if I were to cook them a meal as opposed to purchase. I guess I can’t really beat myself up over that or anything J It was just a dream. A little crazy though.

Patience and Letting Go

I have finally made a commitment to my own personal practice. I'm not sure why I waited so long... I feel like I have waited my whole life to embrace this! And I sincerely wish I would have started practicing years ago, but I guess everything happens in its own time.

So now that I don't really struggle with the effort of making myself practice, I am now struggling with my own bodily limitations. This is so hard to accept. I am so impatient with myself. I feel that because I am committing the time to my practice, I shouldn't struggle and hurt with poses that were very easy for me when I was an "occaisional practicer". Now that I am psyched on my practice, I want to move forward (probably faster than my body wants to... which would explain the pain).

Almost every practice I am brought to what feels like my breaking point. I want to cry. Not always out of pain, but out of extreme frustration. My practice starts out OK. I don't have too much pain in my knee. More stiffness than anything. By the time I am halfway through seated, Garbha Pindasana feels impossible. Once I am in a posture, I am fine. The problem lies in getting into the pose. I know that sometimes I just need to take a step back. This is where letting go comes into play.

The fact that I want to cry out of sheer frustration tells me that I am far too attached to my practice. Does it matter if I can get the "perfect" lotus right now? What does it prove to me or anyone around me? All it does is give me a tool to measure myself against others. I can do this pose, and she cannot or vice versa. I need to see it for what it is: my body cannot do this pose in this given moment. It is not an indication of my level of committment to my practice, it is merely a bodily limitation. It is just the body.

I need to let go of my expectations of myself. I need to not measure my practice against anyone elses. It is mine and mine alone. The body will be stiff and unwilling somedays, but at least I can make sure that my mind is not. I need to just let go.

On Teaching

"One should do what one teaches others to do; if one would train others, one should be well controlled oneself. Difficult, indeed, is self-control." -Buddha

I love this quote. My friend Patty posted it on her Facebook. She teaches Bikram. When James Figueira was visiting from Singapore, he was telling Curtis and Stefanie that when they begin teaching they need to be sure they are still making time for their personal practice. It is sad that when people being teaching, the first thing to be sacrificed is their own practice. The thing that inspired them to teach, they no longer have time for. I have to say, it IS hard waking up at 4:30 (most days) to practice. It IS hard to make it to my mat everyday. And it IS hard to stay disciplined enough to keep a balanced diet and schedule only so that I can be sure to practice everyday. I can't imagine how much harder all of those things become when you are then juggling a "regular" job, and a teaching schedule.

I am so inspired by Curtis' level of dedication to his own personal practice and his students. When I read the Buddha quote, I immediately thought of him. Since he began teaching (a month or so ago?), he has woken up on WEEKENDS at 4:30 so he could complete his personal practice before going to teach. On his days off from lululemon, he is still up and practicing. He told me (his first official day teaching), that he wanted to start things off on the right foot by being sure of completing his personal practice of the day before going to instruct others. He said it will build up samskara (not sure if I'm using this term 100% correctly) :) I thought that was so beautiful. I think he was meant to teach.

It's 5:16 am...

And I am here drinking a cup of coffee and completely prepared for the day :) I love mornings like this. Going to practice in a few minutes. Feeling energized and good. Hoping my bum knee starts feeling better! Got some good advice from Stefanie about maybe concentrating on opening on my hips so it puts less pressure on my knee.

What is the next step for you?

In class the other day a teacher posed the question of what is the next step in life for you? It was a very vague question, and I am sure that all of us were thinking of different answers. My answer seems easy and simple, but it's so hard to actually do. For me, the next step in life is being able to look at, interact with, or talk with anyone without passing any judgment on them. It's so much easier said than done. One moment at a time...

Zen Master Guishan Quote

Some day you will die.

Lying on your sick bed about to breathe your last, you will be assailed by every kind of pain, your mind will be filled with fears and anxieties and you will not know where to go or what to do, only then you will realize you have not practiced well.

The Skandhas/aggregates (matter, sensations, conceptions, impulses, and consciousness) and the four elements in you will quickly disintegrate, and your consciousness will be pulled wherever your ancient, twisted karma leads it.

Impermanence does not hesitate.

Death will not wait.

You will not be able to extend your life by even a second.

How many thousands times more will you have to pass through the gates of birth and death.

If these words are challenging, even insulting, let them be an encouragement for you to change.

Practice heroically.

Do no accumulate unnecessary possessions.

Don't give up.

Still your mind, end wrong perceptions, concentrate and do not run after the objects of your senses.

Practice dilligently.

Be determined not to let your days and months pass by wastefully.

-Zen Master Guishan


I read this quote on a youtube video of Mark Togni performing some fourth series Ashtanga. This quote really stuck with me. Death WILL NOT wait. Our days are numbered, and we really don't know when our number is up. It's too easy to let our days pass by with an attitude of "it can wait for tomorrow". What if tomorrow doesn't come? Do you want to repeat your same mistakes from this life in the next? The only thing that we can take from this world is consciousness. There are no material possessions that are coming with us. So do you want to exhaust your resources by building up material possessions or do you want to build up your consciousness and awareness? We are presented with that choice in every moment of our life, and it's not too late to change :)