I have finally made a commitment to my own personal practice. I'm not sure why I waited so long... I feel like I have waited my whole life to embrace this! And I sincerely wish I would have started practicing years ago, but I guess everything happens in its own time.
So now that I don't really struggle with the effort of making myself practice, I am now struggling with my own bodily limitations. This is so hard to accept. I am so impatient with myself. I feel that because I am committing the time to my practice, I shouldn't struggle and hurt with poses that were very easy for me when I was an "occaisional practicer". Now that I am psyched on my practice, I want to move forward (probably faster than my body wants to... which would explain the pain).
Almost every practice I am brought to what feels like my breaking point. I want to cry. Not always out of pain, but out of extreme frustration. My practice starts out OK. I don't have too much pain in my knee. More stiffness than anything. By the time I am halfway through seated, Garbha Pindasana feels impossible. Once I am in a posture, I am fine. The problem lies in getting into the pose. I know that sometimes I just need to take a step back. This is where letting go comes into play.
The fact that I want to cry out of sheer frustration tells me that I am far too attached to my practice. Does it matter if I can get the "perfect" lotus right now? What does it prove to me or anyone around me? All it does is give me a tool to measure myself against others. I can do this pose, and she cannot or vice versa. I need to see it for what it is: my body cannot do this pose in this given moment. It is not an indication of my level of committment to my practice, it is merely a bodily limitation. It is just the body.
I need to let go of my expectations of myself. I need to not measure my practice against anyone elses. It is mine and mine alone. The body will be stiff and unwilling somedays, but at least I can make sure that my mind is not. I need to just let go.